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So You Think Physics is Funny?
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Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)
by Neil Blender (555885) 
on Friday December 05, @12:08PM (#7641411)
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Just not 'ha, ha' funny.
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Re:Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)
by liquidpele (663430)
on Friday December 05, @12:37PM (#7641792)
(Last Journal: Monday December 08, @11:27AM)
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ok, here ya go...
Three Graduates are peeing in a bathroom.
The UGA graduate finishes, goes over and washes his hands very well using lots of soap and water, and says "at UGA, they teach us to be clean".
The Clemson graduate finishes peeing, and washes his hands with a very small amount of soap and water and says "at clemson they teach us how conserve resources".
The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".
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out of context quote of the day:
"It's in the drunk pile fund..."
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Re:Funny? Yes. (Score:5, Funny)
by ceo (6176)
on Friday December 05, @02:19PM (#7643099)
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I've heard that one with Harvard and Yale students in place of UGA and GA Tech, and the third being a Princeton student who walks in, washes his hands and the goes to the urinal, saying "At Princeton, they teach us to wash our hands before handling a sacred object."
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4th Graduate... (Score:5, Funny)
by YrWrstNtmr (564987)
on Friday December 05, @05:16PM (#7644416)
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The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".
"And at the Air Force Academy, we didn't have to be taught not to pee on our hands."
(Originally heard with Army, Navy, Marine, and USAF graduates)
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My Contribution (Score:5, Funny)
by KaosConMan (579641)
on Friday December 05, @05:35PM (#7644549)
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A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"There's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused.
"Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean??" he replied, "? I can check slashdot.com from here?"
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The joke he could not tell... (Score:5, Funny)
by fldvm (466714)
on Saturday December 06, @09:21AM (#7648172)
(http://www.petconnections.net/)
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Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night and they're drunk. They get a drink each and go off into their corner. They start gettinging a bit frisky, and kissing and canoodleing. The barman isn't too happy, but seeing as they're such good customers, he lets it slide. Before too long, though, they're both naked, and getting down to it.
The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd - he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?"
"Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position."
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group theory (Score:5, Funny)
by rsilverman (266807)
on Friday December 05, @12:11PM (#7641448)
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Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.
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Re:group theory (Score:5, Funny)
by bfields (66644)
on Friday December 05, @12:39PM (#7641816)
(http://www.umich.edu/~bfields)
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Q: What's purple, commutes, and is appreciated by only a select group?
A: A finitely-venerated abelian group
The pilot of a plane on its way out of Poland dies unexpectedly in flight. A passenger is asked to fill in. He looks at the controls and shakes his head. "What's wrong?" someone asks. The reply: "I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane".
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Re:group theory (Score:5, Funny)
by QuMa (19440)
on Friday December 05, @07:38PM (#7645257)
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This is the place in this thread where the maths jokes come to hang out? Okay, here goes...
What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
(Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable)
Why did the math professor name his dog Cauchy?
Because he left a residue at every pole!
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Math Joke (Score:5, Funny)
by kimgh (600604)
on Friday December 05, @09:00PM (#7645643)
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My favorite:
x and e^x are walking down the street. They encounter d/dx, who operates on them. x disappears. e^x survives, thanking the math gods that he is immune to differential operators. While walking on, he encounters another operator coming toward him. "Who are you?" he asks. "I'm d/dy," the operator answers.
Well, I like it.
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Schrodinger's Cat (Score:5, Funny)
by jdh-22 (636684)
on Friday December 05, @12:11PM (#7641449)
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Wanted Dead or Alive.
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Every Super Villan [ubergeek.tv] uses Linux.
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Not quite (Score:5, Funny)
by siskbc (598067)
on Friday December 05, @12:45PM (#7641903)
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Or neither dead NOR alive...
Not really. Considering it in the superposition of states context from which the analogy derived, the particle (cat) does have a wavefunction, which must integrate to 1 over all space. That wavefunction/state can be a superposition of two well-defined states/functions, which in the cat context means it's dead and alive.
To be more accurate, LifeState(Cat)=A*"alive"+(1-A)*"dead", where A is a real number between 0 and 1, and "alive" and "dead" are two valid, real-valued states/values, each of which derives from an operator "LifeState" and two respective "wavefunctions" that square-integrate to 1 over all space and together make up the composite wavefunction "Cat." So the cat's half-alive, half-dead.
Wow, that was fun.
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-----
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
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Protons (Score:5, Funny)
by Anonymous Coward
on Friday December 05, @12:11PM (#7641455)
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
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Re:Protons (Score:5, Funny)
by xYoni69x (652510)
on Friday December 05, @02:27PM (#7643185)
(Last Journal: Friday March 28, @06:18PM)
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I heard this told differently, and I liked the way I heard better:
The biologist wants to be a chemist.
The chemist wants to be a physicist.
The physicist wants to be God.
God wants to be a mathematician.
--
Hey! If I wanna know how to zerg rush Lara Croft, I'll ask, that's what you do, but I run the radio show, OK?
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a better version (Score:5, Funny)
by Tumbleweed (3706)
on Friday December 05, @12:50PM (#7641953)
(http://tumbleweed.net/gallery/)
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An electron, a proton, and a neutron walked into a bar which had a sign, "All drinks $1.00." The electron said, "Hey guys we only have $2.00 among the three of us". The proton said, don't worry there is no CHARGE for the neutron. The electron said, "Are you sure?" The proton answered, "I'm positive."
--
Hell hath no fury like the vast robot army of a woman scorned.
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Okay... (Score:5, Funny)
by American AC in Paris (230456)
on Friday December 05, @12:12PM (#7641460)
(http://www.snowplow.org/tom/)
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Let's use the comments for this article to list more jokes from our technical professions which are funny but not necessarily to those outside of the field.
Q: What did the webserver say to Slashdot?
A: HRRRRRNNNnnnnnnghhhh......
--
Terror! Gnome Bouncing! Intrigue! Worms! [snowplow.org]
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2 + 2 (Score:5, Funny)
by QEDog (610238)
on Friday December 05, @02:03PM (#7642921)
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So the teacher assigns to Ada, Bob, Charles and Danna to go home and figure out what is 2 + 2.
Ada, the daughter of a mathematitian, asks her dad. He responds: "Well, 1 + 1 = 2. 2+ 1 = 3. 3 + 1= 4, but it can be rewritten as 2 + 2, so 2 + 2 = 4"
Bob asks his mom, who is an engineer. She takes out her HP calculator, punches in RPN the appropiate keys, and announces: "It is 4.000000000000"
Charles asks his dad, the phycisist, and he responds: "Well, it is about pi on a zeroth order calculation"
Finally, Danna ask his dad, who is an accountant: "Dad, how much is 2 + 2?" And he responds: "How much do you want it to be?"
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Here's an EE joke... (Score:5, Funny)
by umofomia (639418)
on Friday December 05, @02:22PM (#7643124)
(Last Journal: Friday March 21, @01:01AM)
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This joke was told by one of the subway conductors on the Green Line of the Boston T. He's quite a character. I'll try to retell it as best I can.
"I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her."
*Groans elicted from the crowd*
"Hey, what do you expect? I'm a conductor."
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Original Joke (Score:5, Funny)
by pez (54) *
on Friday December 05, @12:12PM (#7641471)
(Last Journal: Monday October 07, @03:53AM)
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Perhaps it's sad, but this is seriously the only joke I've ever made up in my life.
Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
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Re:Original Joke (Score:5, Funny)
by Bohnanza (523456)
on Friday December 05, @12:23PM (#7641621)
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I don't get it. Maybe because I'm stupid? Anyway, the only joke I ever made up was a light-bulb joke as well:
Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, the same number it takes to screw anywhere else.
Sorry, I don't have any physics jokes. I'm a chemist.
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long list of geeky light bulb jokes (Score:5, Funny)
by hurtstotouchfire (664278) <child@antisocial.com>
on Friday December 05, @12:42PM (#7641868)
(Last Journal: Sunday November 23, @05:41PM)
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Some of these nabbed from funny2 [funny2.com], and some from the book Absolute Zero Gravity. Also recommend this site [xs4all.nl], it has a great geeky interface, and a nice large database.
How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb? One, that'll be $50 please.
How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb? One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Can't be done. It's a hardware problem.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.
How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
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Re:Original Joke (Score:5, Funny)
by mkro (644055)
on Friday December 05, @02:37PM (#7643281)
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Ah, egg! Slightly off topic, but:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Physics humor (Score:5, Funny)
by Metallic Matty (579124)
on Friday December 05, @12:14PM (#7641483)
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Physics can be very humorous, but only to those who actually understand the area that the joke is coming from.
Just like in various other occult groups (such as RPGers), some things they find very hilarious indeed can make little to no sense to a normal individual.
(PS, I am in no way trying to insult physicists, gamers or any other group. I am all of the above myself.)
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Civil Engineering Jokes (Score:5, Funny)
by johnthorensen (539527)
on Friday December 05, @12:14PM (#7641484)
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So there was an argument over what type of engineer God was, to have created man. Some suggested Electrical Engineer, given the complex neural network, others suggested Mechanical Engineer, given the amazing mechanics of the body. It was finally realized that he was a Civil Engineer, as only a Civ. E. would put an waste management facility in a recreational area.
Another...
Q: What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build...targets :)
-JT
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OK my original physics/cs joke (Score:5, Funny)
by monadicIO (602882)
on Friday December 05, @12:16PM (#7641519)
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Q:Why did the universe get destroyed?
A:Some strings weren't null terminated.
--
The law of excluded middle : Either I'm foo or I'm foobar
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My favorite... (Score:5, Funny)
by bravehamster (44836)
on Friday December 05, @12:16PM (#7641521)
(http://www.abrocomputers.com/)
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[red sign posted on my professors door]
If this sign looks blue...SLOW DOWN
--
¡El diablo está en mis pantalones! ¡Mire, mire!
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Told to me by a polish professor... (Score:5, Funny)
by Komi (89040) <{cgguen} {at} {attglobal.net}>
on Friday December 05, @12:17PM (#7641528)
(http://slashdot.org/)
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Q: What do you call a Polak in a F15?
A: A simple pole in a complex plane.
<ba dum ching>
--
The ultimate goal of science is to unify all forces of nature to a single law that can be silk-screened onto a T-shirt.
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Bumper sticker (Score:5, Funny)
by tcopeland (32225) * <tomNO@SPAMinfoether.com>
on Friday December 05, @12:17PM (#7641529)
(http://tomcopeland.home.mindspring.com/)
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If this sticker is blue, you're going too fast.
--
DOOM maps, generated by Ruby [rubyforge.org]
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IT joke (Score:5, Funny)
by lordbios (729438)
on Friday December 05, @12:19PM (#7641553)
(http://www.ccitpa.org/ | Last Journal: Thursday December 04, @11:33AM)
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A man is standing on a hilltop when a man riding in a hot air balloon starts to drift by. The man in the balloon asks "Do you know where I am?"
The man on the ground replies "In a hot air balloon."
The man in the balloon says "You must work in Information Technology. What you told me is 100% correct, but does not help me at all"
To which the man on the ground replies "You must be in Business Administration, because you are in the same mess you were in before, but now it is my fault!"
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Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)
by Phreakiture (547094)
on Friday December 05, @12:44PM (#7641890)
(http://www.kc2idf.com/)
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A helicopter is lost in a fog. The pilot observes he is near a tall building and so he yells to get the attention of someone.
A person comes to the window and says, "Can I help you?"
"Yes," says the pilot, "I'm lost! Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter!" says the man in the window.
The pilot thanked him and turned a specific angle and flew an exact distance to the nearest airport.
His passenger asked him how he knew where he was.
"Well, the answer I got was 100% correct, and 100% useless, so I knew I was talking to Microsoft Technical Support."
--
You've been programmed by the Illuminati not to see the word "".
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Re:IT joke (Score:5, Funny)
by Moses Lawn (201138)
on Friday December 05, @01:36PM (#7642602)
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My favorite sub-version, which involves no balloons:
A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.
"Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".
The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".
The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.
"Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".
The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.
"Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"
"Sure", says the Dude, grinning.
"You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"
"Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"
"Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".
--
I like to use an interesting word every day. Perhaps it was in this comment.
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Solar physics joke (Score:5, Funny)
by isomeme (177414) <cberry@cine.net>
on Friday December 05, @12:20PM (#7641566)
(http://www.cine.net/~cberry/ | Last Journal: Friday January 11, @01:07PM)
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A solar physicist walks into a bar, gets the bartender's attention, and says "I'd like a Mexican beer, please."
The bartender immediately begins shouting "OK, everybody out! Right now! Everyone out of the bar!" And he heards all the patrons out into the street, slamming the door behind them.
The solar physicist shakes his head ruefully. "Darn," he says, "I should have seen that Corona mass ejection coming!"
(By the way, it goes without saying that the bar is in SoHo.)
--
--
When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a skull.
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Philosophy Department (Score:5, Funny)
by PenrosePattern (460197)
on Friday December 05, @12:21PM (#7641581)
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The chair of the physics department goes to the provost for the annual budget review.
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have alot of exciting things going on in the department - some potential Noble-prize winning stuff. The bad news is we need a new particle accelerator which will cost $10M."
The Provost is shocked. "That is alot of money. It is incredible to me how different departments need different things. Why can't you be more like the math department? They only want Paper, Pencils and wastebaskets. And the philosophy department doesn't even want the wastebaskets..."
--
I'm telling you this 'cause you're one of my friends.
My alphabet starts where your alphabet ends!
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Psychology joke (Score:5, Funny)
by fluxrad (125130)
on Friday December 05, @12:21PM (#7641592)
(http://slashdot.org/)
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
--
flux
After 16 years, MTV has finally completed its deevolution into the shiny things network.
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The free bicycle (Score:5, Funny)
by Sir Holo (531007) *
on Friday December 05, @12:22PM (#7641594)
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Three (assume they're male) physics/engineering students are having a conversation.
The first one says, "The strangest thing happened to me the other day! I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on her bicycle. She threw down the bike, tore off her clothes and threw them to the ground, and then cried to me, 'Take whatever you want!'."
His friends look at each other knowingly. One replies, "So, you took the bike, right?"
"Of course! The clothes never would have fit me."
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c/c++ joke (Score:5, Funny)
by ikoleverhate (607286)
on Friday December 05, @12:23PM (#7641612)
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Old programmers don't die, they're just cast into the void.
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old favorite of mine (Score:5, Funny)
by rjelks (635588)
on Friday December 05, @12:23PM (#7641613)
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Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
--
I didn't spend all that time playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage. -X files
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Work (Score:5, Funny)
by b1t r0t (216468)
on Friday December 05, @12:24PM (#7641632)
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This is a set of equations I found scrawled on a chalkboard one day at college:
WORK = F D
F = M A
WORK = M A D
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--
"Open source is good." - Steve Jobs
"Open source is evil." - Microsoft
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I tell this one to everyone... (Score:5, Funny)
by Unknown Kadath (685094)
on Friday December 05, @12:25PM (#7641643)
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...and they mostly look at me funny.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
-Carolyn
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Like Daddy always said: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
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Re:I tell this one to everyone... (Score:5, Funny)
by Unknown Kadath (685094)
on Friday December 05, @12:45PM (#7641905)
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It would be |turkey|*|chicken|*sin(theta).
I've been known to lead with that one from time to time...but I always use |mouse|*|elephant|*sin(theta). Sometimes I even use cos to see if they call me on it.
Here's another math one:
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in an outdoor cafe. They watch two people go into a building across the street. Shortly thereafter, three people come out.
"Hmm," says the biologist. "It looks like they reproduced."
"Nah," says the physicist. "There was obviously error in our initial measurement."
The mathematician looks up from his coffee. "Who cares? If another person goes in, it'll be empty."
-Carolyn
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Like Daddy always said: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
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My favorite mathematics joke (Score:5, Funny)
by carl67lp (465321)
on Friday December 05, @12:28PM (#7641680)
(Last Journal: Friday November 21, @12:03PM)
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I am still a declared physics and math major, even though I'm now CS. Anyhow, here's my favorite math joke:
There was a man in a nuthouse who constantly scared off all the newcomers with a menacing smile and the dreadful-sounding phrase, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!"--invariably the newcomer would cower in the corner and stay far away from the man.
However, one day another man came in and confronted the first man. Of course, the first began yelling at the newcomer, "I differentiate you! I differentiate you!" But it had no effect on the newcomer. The man yelled "I differentiate you!" several times to no avail. Finally, he broke down in tears. "Why, why?!?" he asked.
The second man stated simply, "I'm e^x."
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Bar joke (Score:5, Funny)
by lysander (31017)
on Friday December 05, @12:32PM (#7641723)
(http://tresi.org/)
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Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg looks around the bar and says, "Because there are three of
us and because this is a bar, it must be a joke. But the question remains,
is it funny or not?"
And Godel thinks for a moment and says, "Well, because we're inside
the joke, we can't tell whether it's funny. We'd have to be outside
looking at it."
And Chomsky looks at both of them and says, "Of course it's funny.
You're just telling it wrong."
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GET YOUR WEAPONS READY! --DR.LIGHT
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Cats on a roof (Score:5, Funny)
by Stephen (20676)
on Friday December 05, @12:39PM (#7641819)
(http://homepage.ntlworld.com/adelie/stephen/)
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Q. There were two cats on a roof. Which one slid off first?
A. The one with the lower mew.
--
11.00100100001111110110101010001000100001011010001
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this joke makes no sense (Score:5, Funny)
by mcmonkey (96054) <mcmonkey@inno c e n t.com>
on Friday December 05, @12:43PM (#7641875)
(http://www.seanandcatherine.org/)
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Ruth Hamilton of The Yorkhill NHS Trust told an amusing variant in which a lawyer, an accountant and a physicist are discussing, over a beer, whether life is better with a wife or with a girlfriend.
"A wife is better," declares the lawyer, "because of the family support and the help she'll be to your career."
"Nonsense," says the accountant. "A girlfriend is better: you can keep your independence and go out with your friends more."
They turn to the physicist, who says, "It's better to have both. That way, the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife, and meanwhile you can be down at the lab!"
Absurd! The accountant will say the wife-- she's tax deducible.
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This one is my favorite (Score:5, Funny)
by PopeJP3 (714468)
on Friday December 05, @12:47PM (#7641928)
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said, " Never." The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
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CS Jokes (Score:5, Funny)
by Alizarin Erythrosin (457981)
on Friday December 05, @12:50PM (#7641963)
(http://www.mystic-lights.net/kmgardner)
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Hopefully I get these right. I have them saved in my away messages at home, let's see if I can remember them.
Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"
rimshot
Two strings walk into a bar. The first says "Barkeep, I'll have a whiskey sour." The second string says "Hey, that sounds good. I think I'll have one too.(&!@(**(#$^(*(*&@(*!$&(*@#&(*(!@#)(*(*@!$(&!@( *#&@!(#^$*#$_(*@!&#*&@!$#"
The first string says to the bartender "Excuse my friend, he isn't null terminated."
--
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world... those who understand binary and those who don't
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I think the consultants my company hires work here (Score:5, Funny)
by thomkt (59664)
on Friday December 05, @01:01PM (#7642142)
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A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"
So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."
He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."
"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"
"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing
about my business. Now give me back my dog."
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Consultants.. Chicken and the road... (Score:5, Funny)
by gbjbaanb (229885)
on Friday December 05, @01:38PM (#7642623)
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Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in oorder to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
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Probably too late to be modded up... (Score:5, Funny)
by theCoder (23772)
on Friday December 05, @05:57PM (#7644676)
(http://slashdot.org/)
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but maybe someone will see this and get a laugh...
My physics teacher in high school told of the graffiti in the bathroom in the physics building at his alma mater. While the other bathrooms around the campus had the usual bathroom scrawlings, the physics bathrooms were clean, except for a single limeric:
The once was a lady named Bright,
Who could travel faster than light.
She went out one day,
In her usual way,
And returned the previous night!
--
"Save the whales, feed the hungry, free the mallocs" -- author unknown
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Re:There are only 3 posts... (Score:5, Funny)
by Paradise Pete (33184) <.listcatcher. .at. .fastmail.fm.>
on Friday December 05, @12:17PM (#7641533)
(Last Journal: Thursday February 20, @10:30PM)
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and yet somehow this site is slashdotted. Go figure.
Defies the notion that nobody reads the articles before posting, doesn't it?
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Re:Neils Bohr (Score:5, Funny)
by Anonymous Coward
on Friday December 05, @12:27PM (#7641669)
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I believe the instrument was a barometer. Here is the account I got off of http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/barometer.asp
The joke works with a barometer because of the "correct answer" as seen in the story. And incidentally, it probably was not Niels Bohr of course.
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.
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Re:Old Fraternity Humor... (Score:5, Funny)
by monadicIO (602882)
on Friday December 05, @12:34PM (#7641760)
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So how many friends do you still have left?
--
The law of excluded middle : Either I'm foo or I'm foobar
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Re:The inexplicable geek detector joke (Score:5, Funny)
by dacarr (562277) <ke6isf@spamco[ ]et ['p.n' in gap]>
on Friday December 05, @12:39PM (#7641821)
(http://www.northarc.com/~ke6isf | Last Journal: Friday September 26, @11:32PM)
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There is also the "one question geek test". You explain to said geek suspect that you have spotted a VW Beetle (new or old, doesn't matter) whose license plate reads "FEATURE".
Mind you, this only works in states where (license_plate_capacity >= (char characters[8]);.
(Yes, I know, that's really bad code.)
--
Karma: Zippy (mostly affected by inane comments)
I ignore AC's. Use your real name.
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Re:Very old IT joke (Score:5, Funny)
by aiabx (36440)
on Friday December 05, @01:11PM (#7642277)
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probably just as old...
Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT31=DEC25
I feel ashamed.
-aiabx
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Re:Neils Bohr (Score:5, Funny)
by FattMattP (86246)
on Friday December 05, @01:20PM (#7642394)
(http://www.youmaybenext.com/)
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Sir Ernest Rutherford related the following story:
Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.
I read the examination question: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer." The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."
The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.
I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn't written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.
In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.
While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.
For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."
"Fine," I said, "and others?"
"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units." "A very direct method."
"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity] at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."
"On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".
"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."
At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.
The name of the student was Niels Bohr." (1885-1962) Danish Physicist; Nobel Prize 1922; best known for proposing the first 'model' of the atom with protons Read the rest of this comment...
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